Men and Women Friends, What I Learned In Central Asia

This is a different sort of post, one that does not detract, I hope, from my dear friend Sarah's writing on singleness. One important part of singleness I'm seeing is friendship, with men as well as women. As I reflect more, I find that men relationships, even if they are just within family, are important to women. Here's what I've been finding from living overseas.

A friend recently passed away, and I realized that I loved him. In a way that I realized I love other male friends. It is interesting that I learned this type of love in a place like Tajikistan. Let me explain. On first coming to a country like Tajikistan, the first thing that a female visitor will likely encounter is the negative attention from men (inappropriate comments or worse). In addition, men and women are commonly segregated in the more conservative towns and villages, and boys and girls are taught that they cannot be friends. I was nine years old the first time I heard this.

But when I got to high school, and by then lived in a bigger city, I started making friends with groups of people. And I realized that once in these groups, it was perfectly natural and acceptable for high school and college young people to relate to each other and build friendships. Working relationships in the adult world tended to operate the same way. These relationships and conversations carried over into chat, text messaging and phone calling, and were always brought together and regulated as a group hang out. If a guy and girl wanted to meet (platonically), they made an event and got their friends together. Even in friendship, the guy always led. It was rare when I initiated or called, unless it was for something practical. Because this was expected, the men were proactive (to the point of being aggressive) and needed no reminders.

The other thing I've learned is that within these communal relationships, men are generally respectful. What I started seeing was how the community worked as a safeguard, and held everyone accountable--to do anything inappropriate would create embarrassment. It meant the girls didn't get any funny business from the guys, and made it difficult for the guys to try. It seems that the men distinguish between women they protect, and women they do not. I viewed this protection negatively, the perk being not to be badly treated. But now I'm seeing it's more than that. The women they protect, they really protect. As time passes, and familial and community ties are established, men show genuine care to everyone within these relationships, including the women. I've been seeing how periodically, I get checked up on by different male friends (once in a year, or two years)--to see how I'm doing, and to ask after my family.

It was hard for me to navigate how important these relationships were. It always seemed that we were walking a fine line in a very conservative, acutely concerned culture when it came to appropriate boundaries between genders. I did not know how these relationships with young men would last, it seemed that they would eventually fizzle, and I made this assumption with regret after I graduated from high school and left for college. Boys and girls being friends seemed to be reserved for the youth. Someday we would grow up, and then we wouldn't be friends anymore, right? Except I see now that's not the case. We may not be friends in that we're individual entities reserving space around a coffee table, or two minds conversing for hours on end.

But we do care. Deep enough to know that it's important to check in every so often to make sure the other person is well-- both in health and spirit. I've been so uplifted by the times I've been offered encouragement, once in a blue moon. These are the things I've learned from this culture, and these are men that make me thank God for making me feel loved.

Is Singleness Really A Gift?

Hello ladies!!


Karissa asked me if I wanted to join her blog and post something every once in awhile, and of course I said YES!  We also talked briefly about how we want this blog to be a space for women who are walking with the Lord, to encourage and to love one another by sharing in our struggles and in our joys as we are pursuing the Lord above all else.  After all, we are His treasured possessions (Malachi 3:17 and Deuteronomy 7:6) and He is our light and salvation (Psalm 27:1).


Anyways, so before I get started I just want to introduce myself.  My name is Sarah and I am a recent graduate of Loyola University Chicago (that's where Karissa and I met).  I am currently on staff (well, support-raising this summer) with Campus Crusade for Christ and will be doing full-time ministry at Loyola and Northwestern this fall in Chicago!  I became a Christian when I was eight but it wasn't until college that I really learned what it meant to walk with the Lord and put Him at the center of my life.  Since then, my life has been transformed in tremendous ways by the power of Jesus and I am just crazy in love with Him.  However, I wasn't always... which actually leads me into the topic on my heart today - singleness... and is it really a gift?


This is probably cliché and almost always overdone and perhaps you ladies are over this topic but I think this is a hard thing for single women to swallow (I know it was for me) and I don't think we as single women can encourage each other enough in this arena.  Soo here goes nothing...


Four years ago I came to college looking for a boyfriend and a career (in that particular order, might I add) and man, was I surprised to find Jesus instead, but it was absolutely the best surprise of my life and I am beyond thankful for Jesus getting into my heart and diverting "my path" towards His.  However, since then, I have always wanted a boyfriend/soulmate/husband/whatever-you-want-to-call-it, or maybe just a date or two...  As I was growing in my faith, that was my biggest desire at the top of my "wish-list" for God.  I would grow in one area of my life and then I would say, "Okay God I am ready now.  Let me have him."  You see, no matter what, I was not content in my singleness and thus I was not really content in my relationship with God.  I was chasing after a boyfriend, not God.  God was not my ultimate, like He should be, instead "love" was.


Love was my idol, the definition of which is anything that takes the place of God in our hearts.  Fill in the blank:  I will be happy when...  For me the answer was, when I'm married.  My married friends howl with laughter when they hear that one.  Again and again they tell me how living with a man is HARD.  (They also tell me how wonderful it is too, but right now that is not the point!)  The point is, ladies, that once you are married, you are not single.  I know you are probably thinking, "Duh, Sarah... And you have a college education?"  Yes, it seems obvious but I don't think we actually think about it and we surely do not appreciate it enough while we have it.  What's that quote about never truly appreciating something until it is gone?  Well, not appreciating our singleness while we have it would be a mistake, a BIG mistake.


You always hear people tell you that "singleness is a gift," and when I was in college, I thought those people were d-e-l-u-s-i-o-n-a-l.  By the grace of God, however, and after a series of challenging experiences (including traveling all the way to South America), the Lord tore down my idol and demanded that I surrender everything to Him.  He is, after all, a jealous God (Exodus 20:5) - jealous after us, that is.  And after that incredibly painful process of laying it all down on the altar for Him, He restored my vision and I was able to see my singleness clearly... as a wonderful opportunity full of freedom and adventure and beautiful friendships.


I think the woman in the Song of Solomon puts it perfectly when she says, "Do not awaken or arouse love until it so desires."  Wait upon the Lord.  For He knows the plans He has for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).  If we delight ourselves in the Lord, He promises to give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4).  However, if we don't trust Jesus with everything, including our relationships, and if we try to seize control of the moving vehicle, we will drive ourselves off the road and end up in a big ol' mess.  Trust me on this one.


In the meantime, enjoy your singleness.  Do some things that you probably wouldn't be able to do (or at least do as easily) if you were married.  Travel.  Go.  See.  Do.  Pack a bag, grab a friend, and go.  Invest in your chica-relationships.  Your husband more than likely won't be down to get in your "comfies," make popcorn, eat cookie dough, and watch The Notebook and other chick flicks all night.  Embrace having substantially less responsibilities than if you were married.  Your time is your time.  Right now you don't have to think about the needs of your significant other.  Enjoy your singleness.  Because before we know it we may be married, with two kids, a mortgage, and a to-do list longer than the Nile...


An unmarried woman is concerned about the Lord's affairs:  Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit.  1 Corinthians 7:34

My Faith Has Become a Monolith

You know this happens every once in awhile. I can fall into patterns of saying "my faith," "my faith," "my faith" when talking to other people and justifying certain life choices, and it occurred to me today, how did God fall out of the equation? This happens often when speaking with people of different perspectives and beliefs, when giving a reason why I can't do something, I often say: oh well, my faith. A recent struggle has been whether or not, or why I should not be romantically involved with people who do not love Jesus, basically. But instead of saying, it affects my relationship with God, or it's not something that God would want for me or have in his will for me, I say: house rules, my faith. That's religious talk, and ridiculous of course. I may as well leave if that's all it was, and sadly, I can think of being that son who says, screw it, this is stupid, I'm done. But I could also be the bitter son who decides to stick around, while his heart is elsewhere. Instead of describing this life and relationship as a place of freedom, it becomes a stuffy house with a list of things I can't do. It's hard to imagine how a human can live a life under the yoke of an unpleasant god, but some do, somehow. I'm not that person. Meaning that even if I knew a religion were to be true,  if it meant a life of following rules that didn't mean anything, I don't know how I would stay aboard. I'm glad my God's not unpleasant. How else would there be hope for humanity?

I Will Wait For You

A friend sent me this video, I wanted to share.

How to Be a Woman

(Written in St. Petersburg)

Nothing speaks attraction more than, perhaps, confidence in yourself. Something changed. What was it exactly? I feel different, I feel healed. I know that when a girl believes she’s beautiful, that she’s attractive, that she can say to herself, “I’m worth getting to know,” that it’s true. Maybe because it makes you more attentive to the other person, and not thinking in the back of your mind, I have this need, give me something in return. Even when I wanted to be thinking of the other person, I know I cried inside, help me. I’m listening to you, help me, I’ll try to help you. How can you give out when you hurt so much? You both end up miserable together. I think because I know I have nothing to lose, I know I’m ok when a guy responds and makes conversation, or if he decides not to, that’s ok too. If I was honest with myself, I’d probably want something like that too, just someone who’s happy to be a friend, anyone wants a friend, and that’s always a good start. I can see why I didn't seem attractive when I thought myself unworthy, when I couldn’t look someone in the eye. I noticed American men like confident women, you have to be friendly and outgoing to make friends,and  not always expect them to initiate. Culturally, that was an adjustment for me, I've been used to men initiating everything, even friendship and conversation. Russia’s different, girls aren’t friendly to men. That’s fine too, there are subtle ways of being friendly, just making yourself more approachable and nicely responsive.

The Grass is Always Greener

This blog was meant to be mostly written in the month leading up to my 22nd birthday, it was a good plan but I'll keep going since I only ended up posting twice. It's summer, I'm enjoying this week off before work and research starts. I also found a website called Wishbomb that allows me to post goals and deadlines. I find I always have great ideas for projects but don't organize myself well enough to undertake them. It's actually nice to set a goal and see the amount of days there are in a summer, I've set aside blocks of times for various activities--a hundred days to really develop a writer's blog, thirty days to write a short story, and roughly thirty days to rewrite a research paper. The important thing is for me to produce, no matter how unpolished something might look. Like this blog post. I've gone off topic. You should see how many started and unfinished blog posts, letters and stories I have saved on a document. It gets reused, but it's better to just put something out there and maybe come back and tweak later.

It's funny the things we learn from our mothers. My mom has had a lot of wisdom to share, it's interesting to see what applies and what doesn't, in terms of how our life experiences are becoming different. I thought I would marry like my mother out of college and follow my husband around the world like she did. Many of the women I admired shared similar experiences. They shared a joint calling with their husbands, and often became full-time mothers. I thought mine would be the same. I imagined a career to be a means of support and a way of getting by until my turn came. I never dreamed or desired to be a "career woman," to me that was too, singular. A woman friend I was speaking to the other day, who shared a similar life experience as my mother, said she envied me pursuing a career! Envied! And I, in turn, protested, "But I wanted the life that you had!" She admitted there were pros and cons to both, and in honesty they are different callings, with special blessings accompanying each. I never thought I would want something so much in terms of a career, and knowing what I want makes seven to eight years in school feel like nothing. I'm all for marriage, but that's not the plan God has for me at this moment. Time is with me right now and I'm going to use it. Rather than holding out and thinking what if what if, I realize I have all the time in the world.

Concerning Faith

For many of you in college and getting ready to graduate, how do you see your lives right now? My last post was for those of you waiting for that "special other" to come along. This post is for you friends who fall into the "happy-in-yourself" camp. I've been meaning to follow up on the first post for awhile. I wanted my second theme to be about faith.

It's been an interesting season. It's spring semester of my junior year. I've been very busy between jobs (three of them, one I hope to finally drop) and classes, while vigorously trying to make plans for the coming summer, applying for jobs and internships, and studying abroad in the fall. With all the things I want to do, it's like a puzzle that I hope to see come together, but my time is pretty tight! I'm seeing the blessing in continually seeking and asking God to give me guidance and provide for my needs. I can get overwhelmed pretty easily, and fall into the trap of considering myself self-sufficient and independent, when I really need to be falling back and trusting God at the end of the day. The self-sufficient idea is a lie, most of what I have, I didn't come up with myself. Finances for example. I have jobs, but I've had generous gifts from family and grandparents toward living expenses. When I look back and count where everything came from, I congratulate myself less and less by realizing my dependence on the generosity of others.

 So, concerning faith, I see this as a season for learning to fully rely on God. Even when we could consider ourselves independent, no one is ever immune from things going wrong, losing a job, losing a house. Learning to trust God is something I'll be doing for the rest of my life, no matter how well-to-do I might become. I guess this is a big deal for me because lately my goal in life had been to get to a point where I wouldn't have to rely on other people ever and I could construct my own safe-house entirely on what I had merited and earned. My thinking was off. I could see why people who rely on themselves become anxious. Maybe some people feel strong in themselves but I don't. I know I'm vulnerable and open to attack, just on my own. Life is too big for one small person. And that's not our purpose in life anyway, to have a comfy life for ourselves. It's a plus, not a goal. I'm hoping God will provide all these things as I seek him out, we'll see what happens :)