This is a different sort of post, one that does not detract, I hope, from my dear friend Sarah's writing on singleness. One important part of singleness I'm seeing is friendship, with men as well as women. As I reflect more, I find that men relationships, even if they are just within family, are important to women. Here's what I've been finding from living overseas.
A friend recently passed away, and I realized that I loved him. In a way that I realized I love other male friends. It is interesting that I learned this type of love in a place like Tajikistan. Let me explain. On first coming to a country like Tajikistan, the first thing that a female visitor will likely encounter is the negative attention from men (inappropriate comments or worse). In addition, men and women are commonly segregated in the more conservative towns and villages, and boys and girls are taught that they cannot be friends. I was nine years old the first time I heard this.
But when I got to high school, and by then lived in a bigger city, I started making friends with groups of people. And I realized that once in these groups, it was perfectly natural and acceptable for high school and college young people to relate to each other and build friendships. Working relationships in the adult world tended to operate the same way. These relationships and conversations carried over into chat, text messaging and phone calling, and were always brought together and regulated as a group hang out. If a guy and girl wanted to meet (platonically), they made an event and got their friends together. Even in friendship, the guy always led. It was rare when I initiated or called, unless it was for something practical. Because this was expected, the men were proactive (to the point of being aggressive) and needed no reminders.
The other thing I've learned is that within these communal relationships, men are generally respectful. What I started seeing was how the community worked as a safeguard, and held everyone accountable--to do anything inappropriate would create embarrassment. It meant the girls didn't get any funny business from the guys, and made it difficult for the guys to try. It seems that the men distinguish between women they protect, and women they do not. I viewed this protection negatively, the perk being not to be badly treated. But now I'm seeing it's more than that. The women they protect, they really protect. As time passes, and familial and community ties are established, men show genuine care to everyone within these relationships, including the women. I've been seeing how periodically, I get checked up on by different male friends (once in a year, or two years)--to see how I'm doing, and to ask after my family.
It was hard for me to navigate how important these relationships were. It always seemed that we were walking a fine line in a very conservative, acutely concerned culture when it came to appropriate boundaries between genders. I did not know how these relationships with young men would last, it seemed that they would eventually fizzle, and I made this assumption with regret after I graduated from high school and left for college. Boys and girls being friends seemed to be reserved for the youth. Someday we would grow up, and then we wouldn't be friends anymore, right? Except I see now that's not the case. We may not be friends in that we're individual entities reserving space around a coffee table, or two minds conversing for hours on end.
But we do care. Deep enough to know that it's important to check in every so often to make sure the other person is well-- both in health and spirit. I've been so uplifted by the times I've been offered encouragement, once in a blue moon. These are the things I've learned from this culture, and these are men that make me thank God for making me feel loved.
A friend recently passed away, and I realized that I loved him. In a way that I realized I love other male friends. It is interesting that I learned this type of love in a place like Tajikistan. Let me explain. On first coming to a country like Tajikistan, the first thing that a female visitor will likely encounter is the negative attention from men (inappropriate comments or worse). In addition, men and women are commonly segregated in the more conservative towns and villages, and boys and girls are taught that they cannot be friends. I was nine years old the first time I heard this.
But when I got to high school, and by then lived in a bigger city, I started making friends with groups of people. And I realized that once in these groups, it was perfectly natural and acceptable for high school and college young people to relate to each other and build friendships. Working relationships in the adult world tended to operate the same way. These relationships and conversations carried over into chat, text messaging and phone calling, and were always brought together and regulated as a group hang out. If a guy and girl wanted to meet (platonically), they made an event and got their friends together. Even in friendship, the guy always led. It was rare when I initiated or called, unless it was for something practical. Because this was expected, the men were proactive (to the point of being aggressive) and needed no reminders.
The other thing I've learned is that within these communal relationships, men are generally respectful. What I started seeing was how the community worked as a safeguard, and held everyone accountable--to do anything inappropriate would create embarrassment. It meant the girls didn't get any funny business from the guys, and made it difficult for the guys to try. It seems that the men distinguish between women they protect, and women they do not. I viewed this protection negatively, the perk being not to be badly treated. But now I'm seeing it's more than that. The women they protect, they really protect. As time passes, and familial and community ties are established, men show genuine care to everyone within these relationships, including the women. I've been seeing how periodically, I get checked up on by different male friends (once in a year, or two years)--to see how I'm doing, and to ask after my family.
It was hard for me to navigate how important these relationships were. It always seemed that we were walking a fine line in a very conservative, acutely concerned culture when it came to appropriate boundaries between genders. I did not know how these relationships with young men would last, it seemed that they would eventually fizzle, and I made this assumption with regret after I graduated from high school and left for college. Boys and girls being friends seemed to be reserved for the youth. Someday we would grow up, and then we wouldn't be friends anymore, right? Except I see now that's not the case. We may not be friends in that we're individual entities reserving space around a coffee table, or two minds conversing for hours on end.
But we do care. Deep enough to know that it's important to check in every so often to make sure the other person is well-- both in health and spirit. I've been so uplifted by the times I've been offered encouragement, once in a blue moon. These are the things I've learned from this culture, and these are men that make me thank God for making me feel loved.
